(July 1st, Solemnity of the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus)

Praise God!

I finished my radioactive iodine treatment, and my final scans came back that surgery and treatment got rid of all my thyroid cells, which means I am cancer free.  It is only through God's great mercy and that He heard the prayers of so many people that I am here and doing well!  For these prayers, I will be eternally grateful.  I continue to pray for all of you!

Now, it is time to enjoy summer vacation with my dear family!!

I leave you with some beautiful quotes on this most beautiful day when we meditate on how perfect God loves us through the heart of His beloved Son:

"We do not understand ourselves and have no idea what to seek.  We need to trust God, leaving things in his care.  He knows us better than we know ourselves.  Humility means we are satisfied with what God gives us.  God owes us no favors.  He knows we are not able to drink of his cup." - St. Teresa of Avila

"The essential nucleus of Christianity is expressed in the heart of Jesus; in Christ the whole of the revolutionary newness of the Gospel was revealed and given to us: the Love that saves us and already makes us live in God's eternity.  Even our shortcomings, our limitations, and our weaknesses must lead us back to the heart of Jesus.  His divine Heart calls to our hearts, inviting us to come out of ourselves, to abandon our human certainties to trust in him, and, following is example, to make ourselves a gift of love without reserve."  - Pope Benedict XVI

"Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God.  Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love.  In this way the love of God was revealed to us: God sent his only Son into the world so that we might have life through him.  In this is love: not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son in expiation for our sins.  Beloved, if God so loved us, we also must love one another.  No one has ever seen God.  Yet, if we love one another, God remains in us, and his love is brought to perfection in us." (1 John 4:7-12)

Over the summer Brandy and I figured that we had a little bit of $ from our benefit allowance for our job, so I decided to talk to the AFLAC rep for our school to see if we can get something for that amount.  For a little over $200 extra a month, we were able to get 4 policies – one for accidents, one for hospitalization, one for vision, and one for….CANCER.  So I signed the policy September 1^st.   On Sept. 28^th I got into my little car accident, and in March I was diagnosed with cancer.  How amazing is God’s providence??  Because of this little supplemental insurance, we’ll be able to pay off any extra hospital bills and maybe have some left over!

Last week I talked to my surgeon to ask him a couple of things.  We started talking about my voice and when it would return.   He was confident it would return soon.  Then he shared with me how good my voice actually sounded compared with other people he operated on.  Finally he said, "Actually, it's a good thing your doctor caught this when she did; if you had let this cancer grow much longer, it could have permanently damaged or destroyed your vocal chords."   I know that my voice is a gift from God.  Being without it for these past few weeks has made me appreciate it even more so!

"My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord; my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked with favor on his lowly servant."  (Luke 1:39-56)

"How many, oh Lord my God, are the wonders and designs that you have worked for us; you have no equal.  Should I proclaim and speak of them, they are more than I can tell." (Psalm 40)

"Thank God!  Give him the praise and the glory.  Before all the living, acknowledge the many good things he has done for you, by blessing and extolling his name in song.  Before all men, honor and proclaim God's deeds, and do not be slack in praising him.  A king's secret it is prudent to keep, but the works of God are to be declared and made known.  Praise them with due honor."  (Tobit 12:6-7)

In Christ,

Shauna

 Dear Friends and Family,

(Feast of the Visitation of the Blessed Virgin Mary)

Well, stitches have been out a week, my scar is healing pretty nicely.  I have been pretty tired, but that’s about it.  A little back pain, and still no regular voice yet.  No singing in church or any lullabies to the girls at night.  L

Brandy and I went to the endocrinologist yesterday to find out what the next step is.  As of today, I will stop taking my thyroid medication.  I was on a pretty low dose, which was most likely the reason why I have been more tired than normal, but now, without any medicine, I should start to get really tired.  But hey – what else is new, right?  With four kids, I know what being tired is all about!  Haha!  The doc said I will be hypothyroid (essentially no thyroid hormone) for about 2-3 weeks until they can get a DIFFERENT hormone high enough in my blood.  Once this hormone is high enough (2-3 weeks) I will be able to do my radioactive iodine treatment, which consists of isolating myself at home, taking some pills and then radiating stuff out for a few days.  Sounds scary, but I guess it’s ok.  At worst I might have a sore throat.  No nausea, which is good.  Brandy will take the girls (and the dog at his insistence) up to his parents’ house for a few days and come to check on me a couple of times a day.

After 2-4 days of this, I will go in for a full body scan so that they can see if there are any leftover thyroid cells – cancerous or non – in my body.  If there are some still left, we repeat this process of radioactive iodine in another year.  If all are destroyed, I’m good to go.  After the scan, it will be a few weeks to months of trying to get a good level for my thyroid medicine; too much and I will be shaky and unable to concentrate, too little and I will be lethargic and blah.  So that will be interesting! 

So these next couple of weeks will be a challenge as far as keeping my energy level up.  Right now I get pretty tired quickly, so I imagine without any medicine I will be even more so.  The doc did say there is a chance that it won’t really affect me much.  Pray for this!  Thank God Brandy will be home and out of school to help.   When all is said and done, I should be over this hurdle within 4-6 weeks!  Praise God!  

I continue to pray for those whose struggles with cancer are much more difficult than mine.  Our good friend's brother is suffering very much from a brain tumor.  He was just accepted into medical school with a very promising career ahead of him.  He is 25 years old.  Usually tumors like this will respond well to radiation treatment, but he is in the 10% of the population whose tumor is not responding.  He is in extreme pain and does not want to undergo any more treatment.  Please keep him in your prayers.  I am offering up my suffering for his healing, if it is God's will, or for his quick path to heaven.  

 Today's reading from the New Testament is a beautiful reminder of what it means to be Christian:

"Brothers and Sisters: Let love be sincere; hate what is evil, hold on to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; anticipate one another in showing honor.  Do not grow in slack in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.  Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer.  Contribute to the needs of the holy ones, exercise hospitality.  Bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse them.  Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.  Have the same regard for one another; do not be haughty but associate with the lowly; do not be wise in your own estimation."  (Romans 12:9-16)

In Christ,

Shauna

Dear Friends!

On Monday I went to the surgeon and got my stitches and my drain out.  I am doing so well in my recovery - it's amazing.  It is truly thanks to all of your prayers and to God's great mercy that I have recovered so well and so quickly.

The pathology reports from the surgeon said they got all of the cancer out.  He even took out a few other lymph nodes near where the other tumors were just to be safe.  Turns out that they were filled with little cancerous tumors too that they couldn't see before!  God is so good!  So, besides being a little hoarse and looking a little like Frankenstein, I am pretty much back to normal! 

I am a little tired, but I'm chalking that up to 4 busy little ladies who have been loving on their momma non-stop since I've been home.  I would say the hardest thing through all of this was to be away from them for so long.  As I said in my last post, I have such an amazing new-found admiration for people - especially moms - who undergo the trial of cancer and all its horrendous treatments.  I am keeping these strong women in my prayers and hope you will too.  

In closing, here is a beautiful quote from St. Philip Neri, whose feast day is today, 5/26.  He was an amazing saint who lived from 1515-1595 in Italy.  St. Philip was known for hs ability to be cheerful and to laugh from the depths of his burning love for Christ and to win other hearts for Christ by the quality of his joy.  I pray that we all can be like beautiful windows from which God's love can shine out from within us so that others can know the joy of loving Christ through our love for each other.

"He who works purely for the love of God desires nothing but his honor, and this is ready in everything either to act or not to act, and that not in indifferent matters only, but even in good ones; and he is always resigned to the will of God.  The Lord grants in a moment what we may have been unable to obtain in dozens of years.  To obtain perfectly the gift of humilty, four things are required: to despise the world, to despise no person, to despise one's self, and to despise being despised.  Perfection consists in leading captive our own will, and in playing the king over it.  A man ought to mortify his undertsanding in little things, if he wishes to mortify it in great ones, and to advance in the way of virtue.  Without morification nothing can be done.  We ought to hope for and love the glory of God by means of a good life."     -- St. Philip Neri

"The kingdom of God is not a matter of food and drink, but of righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit; whoever serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by others.  Let us then pursue what leads to peace and to building up one another."   (Romans 14: 17-19)

In Christ,

Shauna

Immerging from my pain med-induced haze, I can look back a little and reflect on my experience.  My husband Brandy and I left on Thursday night (5/12) to head down to San Francisco for an early morning surgery on Friday.  Up until leaving, I had not really spent much time worrying or stressing or thinking about what would actually happen.  Everyday life kept me too busy to stop and think most of the time, which was actually a blessing. 

As I said goodbye to my four daughters, the thoughts ran through my head that this may be the last time they see their mommy.  It was an interesting feeling to be more sad about the fact that they wouldn’t be able to see me rather than being sad about not being able to see them; I knew that if I died, and if God showed me His infinite mercy, that I would see them again.  What was sad to me was the fact that they would have to go through life without a mother.  I felt this in particular with my 7-year old daughter, who could grasp the concept of what was happening better than the others.  She cried the most, in a quiet and resigned sort of way, which was so moving to me; she was accepting what was happening and what might happen with a grace beyond her years.  I told her that no matter what happens to me, she will always have her Heavenly Mother, Mary, to be with her.  She quietly shook her head that she knew this, but through her tears I knew that it was hard for her.  This was maybe the most difficult goodbye I had ever experienced.  I gave her my cross necklace to wear and take care of until I came home.  With great gravity and responsibility she said she would do this for me.  I also asked her to take care of her sisters in my stead, and she said she would do this too.  With that, I said goodbye to her (the other girls were already asleep) and to my mom, which was also a difficult goodbye.

We arrived at our hotel in the city and decided on a last meal.  We settled on Mel’s because it was one of the only places open, and I had a big greasy grilled cheese sandwich, French fries, and an Oreo shake.  I finished it promptly at midnight.

At the hospital the next morning, I got all dressed up in my booties, blue shower cap, and hospital gown.  Brandy and I sat and waited for the docs to come in and chatted about little things like how cute the girls were and what he was going to do while I went under.  I tried not to think about the surgery.   There was a lady on the other side of the curtain getting prepped for surgery too.  Clearly she had been through this before – and often; she knew the nurses, she talked calmly about the different numbers and procedures with big words I didn’t understand.   In listening to her, I thought about the many people who deal with cancer daily.  My thyroid cancer will be pretty much obliterated with 1 surgery and a dose of radiation, and there is a very good chance it will never come back.  The majority of people with cancer go through multiple surgeries, horrific chemotherapy treatments, and endure intense daily suffering.  In about 24 hours, the majority of my suffering will be over.  I prayed hard for her and for these people, especially those who have no one to pray for them.

A parade of doctors came through and introduced themselves to me and my husband.  I was struck at how young they were!  And they are the best and the brightest in their field.  I had such a hopeful feeling to look into their faces.  I prayed for them them God would guide their hands in my surgery and everyone thereafter.

Finally, I offered all of my suffering up to Our Mother Mary for her intentions.   Through this whole journey she has been beside me, and I know that she knows the deepest desires of her Son’s Sacred Heart.  She knows better than I do what good this suffering will do! I also offered up my suffering for a dear friend’s special intention, which she asked me if I would do for her.  I stuffed my little brown scapular down my sock.  

Then, it was time to be wheeled down the hall.  This was another difficult goodbye: looking at my husband and thinking this could be the last time we are together.  I thought about how he was the other half of me, how he is the calming rational to my irrationality, how he is full of patience, kindness, and so much love.  I thought of all the little things he had done for me, and all the little things I could have done for him but didn’t.  He smiled and took my hand and said he loved me, and I said I loved him too.  Then I couldn’t stop the tears from coming.  I cried as they wheeled me into the operating room, but the doctors and nurses were all so nice and calming – they had me laughing and joking with them as they stuck on little EKG stickers.  That’s all I remember.

The next thing I remember was being wheeled past the waiting room and seeing Brandy in the doorway smiling and saying, “Good job honey!”  The rest of the afternoon was a sickening fog.  The night was quite horrific.  I really wanted to die from the pain and the nausea.  In moments of lucidity, I would think of Jesus on the cross saying, “My God, why have you forsaken me!” in His torment.  I remembered that what I was feeling was probably a fraction of the pain that he felt.  Again, I thought about those people that go through this over and over.  HOW?!?  It doesn’t seem humanly possible to endure that more than once.  People who are fighting cancer just may be the strongest people in the world in my eyes.  I prayed for an end or at least a cure to this awful disease.

My incision didn’t hurt a bit; most of the nerves were cut, so my whole neck feels like it’s been shot up with Novocain.  My back and neck hurt from the bed.  With every hour I improved, and by the end of Saturday I would say I was able to function barely, like at 20% of 100%.  As you might have read in Brandy’s posts, there was a complication where they nicked one of my lymph nodes, and so it was draining a lot.  Because of this they kept me longer, and started giving me injections to slow it down.  The injections did slow the leak down, but they gave me unbelievable migraines.  On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the pain of childbirth, these were like an 8/9.  Those who have experienced giving birth and/or those who’ve had these types of migraines know what this feels like.  I thought again of the incredible and excruciating pain Jesus must have felt with that awful crown of thorns digging into His beaten and bruised head.  I had these headaches for about 48 hours straight with little relief from the pain medicine.

As far as my voice goes, I can’t talk in anything but my head voice, which sounds like a higher-pitched whispery voice, although every day it gets a little stronger.  Apparently this is from having that giant tube stuck down my throat for 8 hours helping me breath.  It feels like I have laryngitis, and it is hard to sustain talking for long.  Much to the delight of my kids, it is also really hard to yell.  Not being able to yell has actually been pretty amazing; it’s made me realize how much I really DO yell.  I think that the Lord is trying to teach me to be a little more charitable in my speech through this little “suffering”!  I can sing a little bit, but my voice is pretty squeaky and out of shape.  The doctor assured me that it will be back to working order in a couple of weeks, which is great.

While in the hospital, I received the joyous news that one of my former students and one of my dearest friends gave birth to a girl and boy respectively.  I also learned that one of my dear musician friend’s son had passed away after a very troubled life.  These things helped me to reflect on the simple truth that time passes, that life goes on, that my suffering and my joys are not the center of the universe, that there are greater (larger) things at work in this world at God’s capable hands, that if I trust in Him He will take care of everything.  If only He did laundry… *sigh*

Now, I am back home, surrounded by my beautiful family, and I am recovering even quicker than I had been in the hospital.  No surprise there!  But it makes me think of all of those people who are sick and who have no one to love them and care for them.  I pray for these people!  Thank God for the gift of beautiful Blessed Teresa of Calcutta who taught us in her unique way that everyone deserves to be loved, no matter what.  We can survive on the basics, but we need love to thrive.

I am so thankful for my mom and my in-laws for all the help they gave watching our girls through our extended stay in the hospital.  We couldn’t have done it without them.  And all of our dear friends who are bringing us dinner every night for the next few weeks.  This is truly a blessing!  It’s such a simple thing to do for someone – make them a meal – but when a bunch of people do it for one person, it is an incredible way to help people in difficult times.  I am thankful for my whole family, for all my friends, and everyone who has offered to help in some way.  It is humbling to know how much people care for you.  Know that I care just as much if not more about you!   And of course, I am grateful beyond words to all of those people, ones I know and don’t know, who have been praying for me and my family.  Your prayers were surely heard – through the grace of God I made it through this!  Please continue to pray!

In Christ, 

Shauna